In the not-too-distant past, splitting the check meant slapping down two separate credit cards on the bill and calling it a day. Paying for a cab was just one way to show a date or a friend how magnanimous you were. The phrase “I’ll pay you back” was an easy cover for a friend who never seemed to have cash on hand. And paying someone back was a multistep process that started with a trip to the ATM—or a brick-and-mortar bank.
Peer-to-peer payment apps, such as Venmo and Zelle, changed all that. Now, with just a swipe of the finger, you can settle debts large and small. Instead of calling a stingy friend and asking them for the money they owe you, which can be difficult, you can send a request for the exact amount.
But for all the convenience and ease of use, these digital wallets have created brand new etiquette challenges for friends and relatives who may already find the subject of money awkward. As yet, there is no Miss Manners for financial faux pas, so here are some common situations where you might use peer-to-peer payments and suggestions for ways to keep your digital decorum on the money.
Splitting a Car
In the pre-digital world, you might have insisted on paying for the cab and telling your friend she can get the next one. In today’s world, you can ask for that $4.89 she owes you with a simple swipe, and with no warning to the friend who owes you.
However, just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. One the one hand, if you’re constantly offering to pay for friends, even small tabs can add up and put a crimp in your budget. On the other hand, while there is no right threshold for requests, most agree that any amount less than $5–$7 probably isn’t worth asking for—and might make you look a tad petty.
If you’re paying for the cab with the expectation that your friend will send you half by phone, be clear that you’re sharing before you pay so he won’t be offended by your request later on.
Divvying Up Dinner
If you invited someone for dinner, don’t assume it’s a shared tab unless you’ve explicitly suggested going Dutch. This is where prior clarification will go a long way to avoiding misunderstanding and annoyance. If you both reach for the check at the end of the meal and you insist on paying, you can’t later send a digital bill expecting to collect—unless you say so at dinner. The apps also let you send a message with your request, so take a few minutes to make sure your message is clear.
On the flipside, if your friend pays for dinner and says “You can pay me back,” don’t wait for that friend to send you a request for payment. Ask to see what your share amounts to and then send it proactively as soon after the dinner as you can. Rounding to the nearest dollar will always make it easier for everyone.
Catching a Flick
Today you can buy movie tickets online, rather than the box office window, so your friend may not be there to offer to pay half. That can lead to an uncomfortable moment later on when you send a request for $10 and your friend thought you were treating. Be explicit when you make a plan to see the movie: “How about I get the tickets, you get popcorn?” Or, if you’d rather have the cash, simply say, “I’ll get us tickets and you can just Venmo me for yours.”
It may feel uncomfortable to say that, but when digital payment begins to take the place of communication, that’s when the trouble starts. The clearer you are upfront, the easier the transaction will be on your friendship.
The Dating Dilemma
Even more challenging than talking about money with friends: bringing it up with a stranger you’re trying to impress. Paying the check on a date has long been an opportunity for awkwardness, but it doesn’t have to be.
Again, explicit communication prior to the event is key. Get it out of the way early when you’re deciding where to go and what to do. If you’re doing dinner and a movie or club, suggest you each pay for one, or let the date know you intend to split it. If you were the initiator, did not discuss splitting beforehand and the check comes and you’re the only one to reach for it, you have a decision to make: either suck it up and pay for this one, hoping he or she pays the next one (should you want to see this person again) or broach the subject and risk offending.
Whatever you do, don’t say nothing and send a bill later: That could earn you a not-so-stellar reputation on the dating circuit.
Private or Not?
Consider resisting the lure of social media sharing and make your payments private. You may not mind everyone seeing that you’re paying a friend back for a night out at a bar, but your recipient might. When in doubt, err on the side of privacy. Even if you send a private request or payment, you can still use an emoji in your description to make your friend laugh.
When in Doubt, Mirror Offline Etiquette
Ideally, peer-to-peer payments should mirror offline expense sharing: If you like to show generosity toward your friends by picking up the tab once in a while, the ability to collect online shouldn’t change that. Likewise, if you’ve always tried to be prompt about repayment when a friend spots you, be as conscientious online by not waiting to get a request.
It’s a whole new world out there, but if you use common sense and the same civility that guides you in the real world, you should remain above social reproach.
C.J. Prince is a freelance writer who covers finance, business strategy and leadership. Her work has been published in Working Mother, Entrepreneur and New Jersey Monthly Magazine, as well as many financial websites and magazines.