If you’re wondering when to start talking about money in your new relationship—or feeling awkward about bringing the topic up, as many people do—consider that there’s a good chance you’re already revealing more about your financial situation than you realize. After all, when dating, we demonstrate our money habits and values as we get to know one another, says Lindsay Bryan-Podvin, a financial therapist, author and speaker in Michigan.
Look at the types of things you choose to do on your dates. Are you going for hikes or getting expensive front row seats? Do you go to pricey restaurants or have picnics in the park? Who covers the bill? “You might organically start having these conversations right away, because you’re usually doing a lot of activities when you’re dating—and activities involve money,” says Bryan-Podvin.
There’s no such thing as “too soon” when it comes to discussing money in a new relationship, she says. Bringing a willingness to talk about money into your relationship early on is, moreover, a smart move, to prevent the topic from becoming so intimidating and insurmountable that you never talk about it at all. But if you’re wondering how to break through the money taboo, these insights and ideas on how to get started can help.
Start Simply
Don’t shy away from the opportunity to bring up big money topics that arise in small moments. When picking where to eat out, you might say that you prefer cheap and cheerful dining to a fancy splurge, for example, because you’re focused on saving for a particular financial goal. That can be a low stakes way of introducing a weightier topic and demonstrate how you like to make your money work for you.
Try asking indirect questions of your partner, such as what their goals are for the next five years, to gain more insight into their financial outlook, suggests Bryan-Podvin.
Focus on “Wins”
What you talk about in those early money conversations in a new relationship may be less important than how you go about it. While every piece of personal financial history is worth talking about, including debts, student loans, retirement savings, income and financial goals, you don’t need to do it all at once. That could be overwhelming and cause the two of you to avoid financial topics entirely.
“It’s all important,” says Bryan-Podvin, “but what is most important is the thing you’ll take action on as a couple.” She suggests taking the path of least resistance when it comes to picking your first money topic. For example, if budgeting as a couple feels like a conversation ripe for disagreement, then start talking about saving together for a common goal, such as a vacation. You’ll learn about one another’s attitudes and money habits through the process.
This approach is psychological: If the two of you accumulate small wins and have positive associations about your money conversations, you’ll be more likely to continue them. “Go with what feels least intimidating and start there,” says Bryan-Podvin. “Eventually you will get to other things.”
Examine Your Backgrounds and Learn Together
Money conversations may reveal not only your habits, attitudes and financial goals, but also what level of financial education you each have. “There will inevitably be a disparity in the level of financial education in a couple,” says Bryan-Podvin. But that needn’t be a dealbreaker. “Look for a willingness to engage on the topic and learn together,” she says. “Maybe you can both take a class with a financial planner or listen to the same book on audio. It’s about learning and adaptability—not demonizing the person who doesn’t know.”
Our family backgrounds can also set the stage for our feelings about money as adults—and talking about them can be enlightening for both parties. “Talk about where you came from and your norms around money—it can take away embarrassment or shame about why you are the way you are with money,” says Bryan-Podvin.
Debunk the Idea of Financial Compatibility
When it comes to money personalities, no combination is destined to be a failure. But can a spender and a saver really end up happily ever after? Absolutely, says Bryan-Podvin. In fact, these types of money contrasts can actually bring balance to a relationship, she says.
More important than your style of handling money are your values—and communicating about them is essential to the health of your relationship, now and down the line. “Talk about what your values are and your goals are, and how you can use your money in alignment with them,” Bryan-Podvin says.
Discussing your goals also helps you ensure that when you do combine your money (if you choose to) that you’re on the right course, together. “You could both think you’re working towards a goal, but you’re really in different universes. That’s problematic,” she says.
Watch for Red Flags and Learn From Them
If you discover some financial “red flags”—or divulge some of your own—don’t panic: Your relationship isn’t doomed if one of you has a minor (or major) money mistake or burden on your financial record.
“Just be mindful of your partner’s financial situation,” Bryan-Podvin recommends. “I don’t think $15,000 of credit card debt or six figures of student loans have anything to do with your values or ethics as a person.” Instead of focusing on the past, Bryan-Podvin recommends examining your partner’s attitude toward addressing the challenge. Can you have conversations about the issue? Does your partner demonstrate willingness to change? And do they demonstrate progress toward the goal?
A real red flag? Being dishonest. “More problematic than a person who says ‘I have debt but I’m working on paying it down’ is a person who is chronically lying about the state of their finances,” says Bryan-Podvin. “It’s the cover-up that makes it problematic, not the initial problem.”
Keep the Conversation Going
Once you start talking about money, capture the momentum. Bryan-Podvin advises that having regularly scheduled money conversations is wise in a new relationship. “Get through that discomfort of talking about money. Build that muscle,” she says.
You might set a weekly time to chat, and then once talking about money is an established habit, you can meet with less frequency. And the focus of your conversations will change over time, as your relationship grows.
In the end, Bryan-Podvin says, money can actually be a powerful tool for bringing you together as a couple—rather than a wedge that could drive you apart. “Money is one of the biggest traps, one of the biggest reasons relationships fail,” says Bryan-Podvin. “But working together towards financial goals is actually a form of intimacy. And when your partnership is aligned around money, that deepens that partnership.”
Julie Anne Russell is a Brooklyn-based freelance journalist. She writes on personal finance, small business, travel and more.
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