You’ve heard it all before: Discuss finances with your partner during a designated “money” date over a glass of wine, and be open-minded, honest and nonjudgmental.
But once the candles are lit and the bottle is uncorked, what do you say? How do you get the most out of money conversations with your partner without ruffling too many feathers?
After all, money is the number one thing couples argue about and a big reason why they split up, so you want to proceed with caution.
“So much of who we are is intertwined in the concept of money—our self-worth, security, status, how we look at ourselves and others,” says Paul Peeler, a financial advisor at Integrated Financial Group in Atlanta. “In other words, money is never just money and fights about money are rarely just fights about money.”
That’s why using certain communication tactics (and adding a little fun into the equation) is key. To get the conversation started, here are some questions to ask at each juncture of a relationship.
Just Started Dating
It can be awkward discussing money too early in a relationship, but there are ways to broach it effectively and keep things light. Just pay attention to how your new potential partner responds, as this could give you insight into their spending and saving habits.
Some questions to ask might include:
What did your family do for fun when you were a kid? A big part of dating is getting to know what experiences shaped the person you’re spending time with. Learning more about where your partner went on vacation and how they spent their free time will say a lot about their financial attitudes today.
“Someone who came from an affluent family and never had to worry about paying expenses could have a different approach or outlook than someone who lived paycheck to paycheck,” says Naoko McKelvey, a senior financial advisor at Blue Chip Partners in Michigan. “These very different upbringings, for example, can result in significantly different thoughts and behaviors around money and savings, which will need to be addressed at some point.”
What’s important to you? Another way to probe whether your potential partner has similar attitudes and expectations around money is to find out what really matters to them. Is traveling and seeing the world a priority? Or are they focused on saving for a house?
In a Long-Term Relationship
Now that your relationship is more serious, the money conversations you have should be, too. Consider touching on questions around their overall relationship with money and their biggest money worries. Now might also be a good time to ask about debt, as well as their short- and long-term money goals.
Some questions to ask might include:
What do you see your life looking like in five or 10 years? As a relationship endures, it makes sense for your money-related conversations to focus more on what a life together might look like down the line—albeit without spooking the other person.
“Having a casual conversation full of ‘what if’ questions is a great way to break the ice on potentially sensitive topics,” McKelvey says. Does your partner want to retire early or spend more while they’re young and work longer? Do they see themselves in the same career? Following up with questions about how they plan on making those short- or longer-term goals a reality will help you determine how realistic your potential mate is about finances.
What’s the current state of your finances? If you’re comfortable in your relationship, you can start being more direct. Ask about how much debt they have, how much of their paycheck they save and invest, and whether they think it’s important to have an emergency fund.
Want to plan a trip or event? A good activity for a couple whose relationship is getting serious is to plan something fun together, says Sam Brownell, the founder of Maryland-based Stratus Wealth Advisors. He believes that planning a vacation, dinner party or even just a special outing can reveal a lot about one another’s attitudes around money.
“It allows the couple to discuss their approach to planning, spending and budgeting without putting too much pressure on the relationship,” Brownell says. Plus, it can be an important window into their financial strategies and start to establish “a foundation for open and non-judgmental money discussions.”
Moving In Together or Getting Engaged
Congrats! You’ve made a big commitment. Now comes the really critical money conversations. If you haven’t already, ask about existing debts, if you’ll open joint accounts to cover joint expenses, how much they want to budget for future expenses (like a wedding or starting a family) and who will manage the day-to-day household expenses—like paying rent, mortgage payments, utility bills, groceries and more.
Some questions to ask might include:
What are our goals? Getting engaged or moving in together is a big step that shifts the conversation from “I” to “we.” You can still have your individual goals, but you’ll want to discuss joint goals as well. Beginning to sort out those “us” questions, along with the financial implications that go with them, is a vital part of any long-lasting relationship. “You need to get on the same page with financial goals and objectives and will have to continually do this throughout the course of your relationship,” Peeler says.
Who will pay the bills and where will the money come from? A committed couple that lives under the same roof will have to answer practical money questions such as this. “Several of my clients have separate accounts for their discretionary spending, which they are accustomed to managing on their own,” McKelvey says. “And sometimes they will set up a joint account for their recurring expenses, to which they both contribute. This allows them to keep their independence while also working together.”
What type of savings vehicles should we use? If you want to start investing as a couple, you should discuss the types of accounts (and risk tolerance) that you’re comfortable with—as well as those you’re already using individually. Are you both contributing to an employer-sponsored 401(k) or similar workplace plan? Do you want to jointly contribute to an IRA as well? What about high yield savings accounts, money market accounts or certificates of deposit?
Married Couples
At this point in your relationship, you’ve likely already developed spending and saving habits together and have some financial goals and plans in place. But now you should be reviewing them.
Some questions to ask might include:
Are we on track for our goals? What do we need to change? Habits, roles and responsibilities around money tend to solidify the longer a couple is together. But you still need to regularly check in to see if those practices are getting you closer to your goals. This is particularly true if one person manages the family’s money. “It is easy to get into a groove where one partner handles the money and the other doesn’t ask many questions,” Brownell says. “However, it is important for the financial manager in the relationship—with potential help from an objective certified advisor or financial planner—to make sure the other party feels heard and has the chance to express their opinions and concerns about expenditures.” Revisiting financial and life goals is a good entry point for these conversations.
How do we want our kids to handle money? If you’re thinking of having children, or already have them, you’ll not only want to sit down and create a new budget (for example, should you open a 529 plan for their future college expenses?), but you’ll also want to devise productive ways to teach them about money. Children watch everything we do, including how we spend money and whether we talk about finances openly and without judgement. Ask your partner about the kinds of financial behaviors you want to model for your kids.
When would you like to retire and what do you see yourself doing in retirement? As you get older, you’ll want to make sure you both have enough money for a comfortable retirement and that you are aligned on what kind of lifestyle you’ll lead. Does your partner have millions saved and dreams of escaping to a tropical paradise? Or do they want to volunteer in retirement and live somewhere cold? Have these conversations early so you aren’t caught off guard and can spend your golden years in peace—and financial bliss.
A former editor at Los Angeles magazine, Chris Warren has had work appear in publications ranging from Institutional Investor and Forbes to National Geographic Traveler, Oxford American and Greentech Media.
Illustration by Sam Island
LEARN MORE: 5 Tips for Better Money Talks with Your Partner