All too often, the first time adult children speak to their aging parents about money is during a crisis, like an accident or a serious health issue. In fact, a whopping 85% of decisions about long-term care are made during the stress of a medical emergency.
The reason so many people wait to talk with parents about important financial topics—everything from avoiding scams to paying for long-term care—is because the conversation can be so difficult and emotional. In fact, one study found that 54% of adults would prefer to talk to their kids about sex than to their parents about issues related to aging, including finances. One reason for this is the uncomfortable role reversal that can take place when children begin to guide and inform important life decisions for their parents.
But that’s no reason to avoid or postpone these vital conversations. Here are five tips for framing financial discussions in a way that puts your parents’ best interests at the forefront and reduces the possibility that misunderstandings and emotions will get in the way of making smart decisions.
1
Start with Some Soul Searching
Aging parents may feel defensive when their children initiate a conversation about their finances, which is understandable. But they’re not the only ones dealing with strong emotions. Adult children will be grappling with concerns about their parents’ mortality; they’ll also be feeling fear, sadness or even anger if their parents are in a troubled financial situation.
Before initiating a conversation with parents, it’s important for children to identify, acknowledge and process these emotions. Talking it through with a spouse, partner or close friend is one way to get started. Whatever form this soul-searching takes, it will help you to remain calm and focused when you and your parents sit down to talk.
2
Pick the Right Time and Place
With so many families geographically dispersed, holidays or family reunions may be the only opportunity for face-to-face conversations. But these get-togethers—which often come ready-made with plenty of stress and emotion—are almost never the right times to discuss estate plans, long-term care or the dangers of financial scammers with parents.
Instead, suggest a time and place most likely to provide a sense of comfort and security to your parents. “If you want to talk about money with your parents, set aside a private time to have the conversation. It’s often best to talk in the comforts of their surroundings,” says Leslie Tayne, founder and managing director of Tayne Law Group, a New York-based law firm that specializes in financial and debt management. Depending on the age and health of your parents, it may also be important to plan to have the conversation in the middle of the day, after morning medications have taken effect and there’s less likelihood that mom and dad will be overtired or hungry.
3
Use Examples
The main reason to discuss money with aging parents is to ensure their financial and emotional well-being. However, be aware that your parents may react to the topic defensively, for fear of losing control of their lives. One way to remove that tension and begin a more productive conversation is to illustrate your concerns with anecdotes about your parents’ friends or even people in the news.
Telling the story of a family friend targeted by a scammer is a way to highlight the risk and initiate steps they can take to avoid becoming a victim. Children can also describe to their parents how and why they developed their own estate or financial plan, as a way to open the door to a conversation about what their parents have or haven’t done in that regard.
4
Don’t Try to Cover Everything at Once
For adult children having this conversation with their parents for the first time, the range of topics to cover is potentially very long. It may include everything from the current state of their finances to their plan for healthcare expenses and how long they want to stay in their home. Even if your parents are meticulous planners and have spent a lifetime saving money to cover their needs in retirement, you’ll probably still have countless questions about each topic.
Plan to limit the duration of each discussion to about 30 minutes. This will not only make it easier to focus on individual topics, but also help keep everyone calm and rational. Plus, if the first conversation is relatively short and productive, you’re more likely to build momentum and openness for a regular dialogue in the future.
5
Empower Your Parents
Giving up some level of control over our lives is inevitable as we age. But that reality doesn’t make the process any easier or less frightening for parents who need help from their children. As you discuss financial issues and work to develop a plan that provides security to your parents, be sensitive to the emotions and sense of loss they may be feeling.
One way to do that is by allowing them to set the agenda for your money conversations. Not only is this a way to give them more control, it also makes it clear that you want to help and support them—not dictate their lives.
Aging can be emotional for parents and for their grown children, since it means more ailments and diminished capabilities. But with the right kind of planning and the proper communication, financial stress doesn’t have to be a part of the process.
A former editor at Los Angeles magazine, Chris Warren’s writing has appeared in publications ranging from Institutional Investor and Forbes to National Geographic Traveler, Oxford American and Greentech Media.