5 Tips for Better Money Talks With Your Partner

Choose the Right Time and Place
Timing goes a long way toward making a financial conversation successful. If you’re already distracted or irritated, it’s not the right time. “Get in the right state of mind. If you’re upset about something that happened earlier at work or home, wait to engage in a money conversation with your spouse,” says Deborah Meyer, author of the book Redefining Family Wealth: A Parent’s Guide to Purposeful Living.

It also matters where you talk about money—at least in the beginning. Many financial experts suggest partners go on a financial “date” when they first discuss potentially emotional topics like spending, budgeting and financial goals. A financial date doesn’t have to be a night out at a fancy restaurant, but it should take place somewhere that’s not likely to trigger an argument. “If you’ve fought over money before at the kitchen table, then go for a walk or get coffee at your favorite coffee shop,” says Ben Watson, a CPA and personal finance expert.

Talk Less, Listen More
One reason the Mochizukis’ early financial discussions didn’t go off the rails was that Kyle asked his wife lots of questions without presuming to know the answers. They were questions like,  “What does our financial future look like?” and “Will you have to work full-time when our kids are born?” and “Will we live in this condo forever?” The approach worked because it shifted the conversation from dollars and cents to shared aspirations and values.

How do you get started? One helpful way is by asking how your partner views money and what informs their attitude, says Emily Kern, co-founder of Talent Financial, LLC, a small business and personal finance consulting company. “Since most of us aren’t taught finance in school, we tend to learn about money through the choices made in our families,” she says. “So find out if your spouse grew up in a house full of spenders and what financial lessons their parents taught them.” Having this knowledge will give you a better understanding of their perspective and allow you to figure out the best approach for merging your backgrounds into a unified financial plan.

Create an “Us” Dynamic
One of the main reasons money conversations can be contentious is that they end up pitting one partner against the other. One way to avoid that possibility is to use language that binds you and your partner together. “Frame the conversation around shared goals, and establish an us-versus-challenge dynamic rather than a me-versus-you dynamic,” says Brian Davis, co-founder of a personal finance and investing website.

“If your partner feels like you’re accusing them of overspending or some other financial misstep, they’ll immediately pull back and get defensive. Instead, sit down and decide on your shared financial goals, and then brainstorm ideas for how you’ll achieve them.”

Make Money Talks Part of Your Routine
Many of us have been raised with the idea that it’s not polite to talk about money, which can make that first financial conversation with your partner difficult. But here’s the good news: Once you get started, it becomes easier. “The more you meet, the less awkward and frustrating it will become,” says Watson.

Regular conversations—as often as weekly—will also help you monitor your progress toward any shared financial goals and pinpoint unexpected expenses that threaten to blow up a budget. Even when your progress is lagging or surprise expenses throw you off track, having regular financial conversations will help you make the right changes in a calm and productive way.

Remember Your Priorities
An ongoing financial dialogue with your partner should ultimately be about building a better life and future together. And it always helps to remind yourself and your partner of that fact. “To have better money conversations, let your partner know your relationship with them will always take priority over any money issue or conversation,” says Meyer.