It may seem old-fashioned, but many couples today divide financial responsibilities along gender lines, according to financial professionals. Yet even if the division isn’t by gender, there’s often still a division: One partner takes on the role of money manager while the other just follows along. Sound familiar?
“It’s common for one partner to do most of the work when it comes to money,” says Megan McCoy, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist who teaches courses on financial therapy at Kansas State University. But beware, say experts: Any approach to shared finances that doesn’t involve both partners having equal knowledge and doing equal work can be stressful and risky for your relationship—and isn’t the best approach for your finances, either.
Why? Well, if one partner controls the money, says McCoy, they’re more or less “parenting” the other’s spending. That can lead to feelings of resentment if the money manager feels burdened with all the financial work. It can also cause frustration, if she’s continually being asked for money. And if the money manager doesn’t want to say no to her partner, this arrangement could even have negative financial consequences.
On the other hand, the non-manager may feel financially micromanaged or bossed around. She may also be less motivated to save, says McCoy, which could put her in financial danger if the relationship ends.
“It’s essential that couples are on the same page with their finances,” says McCoy. “Money symbolizes so much more than just money; it means power, control, safety and your future.”
So remember, you’re not off the hook for your partner’s half of the work; you need to know and agree with everything they’re doing, and to have created shared financial goals, strategies and budgets together. Here’s how.
Divvy, Don’t Divide
If you’ve taken on certain financial responsibilities because of traditional gender roles—or just habit—you may not be doing the financial work that actually matches your skills. Take a step back and think about who’s actually better at budgeting for the household. Who’s the best at comparison shopping? Who has no trouble keeping their credit card spending in check? Who’s a savvier investor?
It’s okay to divvy financial tasks like these—divvying labor is a form of working together. But don’t divide tasks completely. If you’re not aware of what your partner’s half of the financial picture looks like, you’re really just independent agents who are bound to clash or drift apart, says McCoy. And, she points out, “things like learning about each other’s risk tolerance is essential, even if only one person is buying the stocks.”
Co-Sign on Your Budget and Goals
“A spending plan is essential for everyone,” says McCoy. “It helps you see where you’re not ‘mindfully’ spending.” But don’t get too hung up on the numbers, she says—being perfectly on budget is less important than making sure you’re spending on what you and your partner really care about. Creating and working toward your financial goals as a team will get you there faster—and help you avoid arguments along the way. When you’re in agreement about how to spend your money, it becomes less about “why can’t I have this” and more about “that’s not our priority.”
Schedule Regular Check-Ins
To foster more financial equity in a relationship, McCoy suggests having regular “CEO meetings” to discuss money and the relationship. Block out 30 minutes each week so you and your partner can remove all distractions and have a conversation. You can start with questions like, “How do you feel about our budget this week?” or “Is there any big spending coming up that you would like to talk about?” or “How can I make you feel more supported in the coming days?”
Be Transparent
Make sure you each have equal awareness of all your finances, including your daily expenses, savings accounts, investments, retirement accounts and properties. You should both also have contact information for all of the financial professionals you work with, as well as logins and passwords to every single one of your accounts. This isn’t just in case of emergency: The intent is for you to share equal responsibility and interest in your finances.
Get Help
Financial planners and financial therapists can help you figure out how to work together and sidestep conflicts in spending styles or money habits. “We bring our car to the mechanic when it breaks down,” says McCoy, “but without regular maintenance, it would break down faster and more often. We should think about our relationships through the same lens. While financial therapists can help if your relationship has broken down, they can also help you maintain and grow your relationship.
“Couples who have shared financial goals are actually happier than other couples,” says McCoy. “By talking about their financial goals, they find a deeper level of intimacy.” Research shows that once couples get over the hurdle of actually talking about money, the process of communicating makes them feel closer and more like a team. And that’s the key ingredient to a financially healthy relationship.
Maridel Reyes is a journalist based in New York. Her work has appeared in Forbes, Bloomberg Businessweek, the New York Post, USA Today and The Boston Globe.
Photograph by Gregory Reid/Gallery Stock.
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