Kaylin Dillon, a certified financial planner (CFP) based in Lawrence, KS, specializes in prenups and helping engaged couples figure out their finances. But when one Massachusetts couple came to her, she realized they didn’t actually need that much guidance. They pulled up a spreadsheet tracking their shared monthly expenses, spending, budgeting and more.
“They had written up a plan prior to moving in together and, as a result, never fought about money,” Dillon says. “Their friends—who knew about the spreadsheet—told them they were crazy, but I said, ‘You’re doing everything right.’”
Dillon was impressed, especially given that money is the number one issue most couples argue about, according to a 2021 Money, Marriage, and Communication study by Ramsey Solutions. Finances are also the second-leading cause of divorce (after infidelity), and the higher a couple’s debt load, the more likely they are to argue about it. Indeed, only 25% of couples who are debt-free argue about money.
“Money is one of those things I think everyone should talk about more,” says Bill Nelson, a CFP in Alexandria, VA, who also works with engaged and newlywed couples.
Read on for the best ways—and times—to get money conversations started in your relationship.
Money and Dating
Is a first date too early to discuss finances? Um, yes, most likely.
Money can be a “conversation killer” on the first date, according to Julie Lopez, vice president of client operations at matchmaking service It’s Just Lunch.
But, while you don’t want to ask someone about their salary over get-to-know you cocktails, chatting about who will pick up the tab or what the second-date budget will be is a great way to explore your potential partner’s money philosophy.
“If the person acts cagey or refuses to even talk about those small things, it can be a red flag,” Dillon says.
How someone tips or travels can also provide clues about their relationship with money (good or bad), Dillon says. Are they willing to throw down their credit card, no questions asked? Do they want to split a cab or gas? How do they react if you offer to pay for something? You can glean a lot about someone’s money habits by just observing them.
To be clear, there’s no right or wrong designation to some of these money patterns (frugal can be good!) but understanding them can help you assess other aspects of your potential partner’s personality. “Having a different attitude about money is not a red flag,” Nelson says. “And research shows we tend to attract or are drawn to our financial opposites.”
What you really want to watch out for, Nelson warns, is “financial secrecy.” They don’t have to share everything with you from the get-go, but “nothing should be hidden,” he says.
Talking About Money With a New Partner
People naturally shy away from talking about money early on in relationships, Nelson explains, and often save those discussions for when they’re getting more serious—like deciding if they want kids or to move in together.
“But the earlier couples start talking about money, the better,” he says. “It helps you get to know the person more.” Waiting until you want to start a family or buy a house is probably too late and could result in some surprising realizations about your partner.
After just a few months of dating, my now-husband brought up his salary level and assured me of his job security. It felt a little too soon to me, but we were in our 30s, and the conversation showed me that he was serious about our relationship.
Just don’t spend too much time looking at past money mistakes, Nelson advises. “You can get stuck looking in the rearview mirror rather than the road ahead.”
Asking the Right Money Questions
Asking hypothetical questions can tell you a lot about your potential life partner prior to getting engaged, Dillon says.
You might test the water with statements and questions such as “I’m saving up for Christmas presents. Can we talk about a budget for our next weekend getaway?” Or “The pandemic really threw off my finances. Did it cause a financial strain for you or affect your job?” Or “What are your thoughts on emergency funds?” Or even playful topics like “If you won the lottery, what would you do with the money?”
Furthermore, if you’re knowledgeable about certain financial strategies like using a high yield savings account or a money market account—share those ideas and see how your partner responds.
Other questions might come up more naturally the longer you and your partner are together. When discussing having kids, for instance, ask, “Do you want one of us to be able to stay home the first few years after our child is born?’” The answer can help set the bar for income expectations.
Talk about these things “when the stakes are low so there’s room for both people to explore their perspectives without pressure,” Dillon says.
It can also be a good idea to ask about your partner’s experiences with money growing up. This might help you better understand their ideas and expectations today. For example, Dillon learned that her husband values dining out because his adoptive parents used to take him for special family meals. “It’s important to him, and for years I never asked why,” she says.
Check-Ins and Planning Ahead
Experts recommend scheduling ongoing money discussions with your partner to make sure you stay on the same page throughout the relationship.
Dillon’s clients—the young, spreadsheet-oriented Massachusetts couple—seem more aligned about their monthly budget than my husband and I do after 17 years of marriage. Needless to say, our ratio of regular dates to “money dates” is out of whack, but at least we’re trying.
Jennifer Chappell Smith has more than 25 years’ experience writing about lifestyle, personal finance and more. She and her husband live in San Antonio, TX, where they’re raising three boys.
Illustration by Sam Island
LEARN MORE: Is Your Relationship Ready for a Joint Bank Account?