Do you and your partner fight about money? Do you avoid talking about your finances because it feels too uncomfortable? If so, you’re not alone.
Nearly half of couples who are worried about debt agree that money is their biggest relationship challenge, with nearly 70% saying they argue about money often. What’s more, 1 in 3 people who argue with their spouse about money report that they’ve hid purchases from them as well.
This is clearly not a great recipe for success: Money matters can put a deep strain on your relationships, so being open and respectful about your spending and saving is key to a healthy union.
But where should you turn if finances are coming between you and your partner? You may want to consider working with a financial therapist. Here, we’ll take a look at what financial therapy is, how it can help and if talking to a professional is right for you.
What Is Financial Therapy?
It’s no surprise that couples argue about finances. After all, money is one of the leading causes of stress in the United States right now—in fact, it’s at the highest it’s been since 2015. When money is weighing on us individually, it’s natural for that anxiety to permeate into our relationships. So learning how to discuss financial goals, hopes and fears in a productive way is necessary.
That doesn’t mean it’s easy, though. For starters, there’s a cultural stigma around talking about money. Consider that about 40% of American couples living with their significant other don’t even know how much their partner earns. To be a financially—and emotionally—stable couple, you have to work together on money management, regardless of who’s making more income.
This is where financial therapy can come into play. Like regular therapy, it involves talking to a certified professional—but in this case, they don’t only provide emotional support, but also financial support.
“We all bring our lived experiences with money into our adult life,” says Debra L. Kaplan, MA, MBA, LPC, CSAT-S, a licensed therapist and financial therapist specializing in money and relationship power dynamics. “Many of our beliefs are conscious, and many are unconscious. This adds a layer of complexity to our behavior with money and can contribute to our struggles resolving financial conflicts.”
A financial therapist, Kaplan explains, “helps clients understand their beliefs and behaviors with money on a financial, relational, emotional and cognitive level.” They also seek to get couples on the same page money-wise, overcome financial obstacles and improve communication.
How Financial Therapy Works
An adviser, as any investor knows, helps you build a balanced portfolio to attain your financial goals. Similarly, a financial therapist helps couples “balance” their emotions around money so they can tackle negative patterns in a healthy way.
Often in relationships—particularly when it comes to money—it can be difficult for couples to identify these patterns. So bringing in an objective (and informed) professional who can facilitate conversations is extremely useful.
For example, one partner may get defensive or withdrawn when the topic turns to money—and maybe that person doesn’t even realize this is happening, let alone why it’s happening. A financial therapist can help them identify this pattern, and then help them unpack their feelings about money so that they can more effectively communicate with their partner.
In addition to building better communication habits, a financial therapist can also help couples better understand how each person in the relationship views money. Ultimately, this can lead to more healthy financial habits, like saving more money.
Figuring Out If You Need Financial Therapy
Now that you know what financial therapy is and how it works, it’s time to think about whether you and your partner might benefit from professional help.
According to Kaplan, it’s clear that a couple could use the help of a financial therapist “when they are unable to resolve conflicts on their own, or move beyond an impasse about money, spending and saving.” If this describes your situation, you might consider seeking assistance.
Some other indicators that you and your partner could use a little help include:
- • If you’re constantly arguing about money, with little or no resolution.
- • If you’re hiding spending from your partner—or if you suspect your partner is hiding spending from you.
- • If the mere thought of finances causes you to seize up with anxiety.
- • If you find it difficult to broach the topic of money with your partner.
But financial therapy isn’t only for couples attempting to break a deadlock. You might also benefit from the help of a financial therapist if you would like to more effectively work with your partner to improve your spending and saving habits.
How to Find a Financial Therapist
If you’ve ever worked with a mental health therapist, you know that finding the right “fit” is important. The same is true here: You’ll want to connect with a financial therapist that you and your partner can trust and be open with.
Start by discussing your needs with your partner. Do you want to attend sessions in-person or would you prefer virtual teletherapy via Zoom? What is your budget and how much time are you both willing to invest?
Next, shop around. Consult the Financial Therapy Association’s directory, where you can narrow down your search by the therapist’s qualifications and location, as well as by your own needs, the issues you want to tackle and more.
After you’ve identified a few therapists, get in touch and ask them to describe their approach. Schedule an initial consultation to test whether the chosen therapist works for you (just one session should give you a good sense of your compatibility with them). If the “vibe” doesn’t feel right, move on to the next therapist on your list.
Once you begin working with your chosen financial therapist, they will help you come up with a plan that meets your needs. Some couples may need the additional help of a clinical therapist to assist with emotional and relational conflicts. “Some professionals work together as a team to provide clients with a multidisciplinary approach,” Kaplan says.
Come to your sessions ready to discuss your finances in detail. This may be hard at first, but that’s what professional financial therapists are for.
If you think you could benefit from financial therapy, start talking with your partner today. You’ll both be glad you did, as financial therapy can work wonders for your relationship—and your finances.
William Myers is a freelance financial writer based in Dallas.
Illustration by Sergio Membrillas
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