It’s a common moment that all parents can relate to: Your child is happily playing with another kid when they suddenly lock eyes, place death grips on the same toy and start yelling “mine” at full volume. Then you and the other parent intervene and explain why it’s important to share—for what feels like the thousandth time.
Child development experts have named this behavior the “mine” phase, and it most often occurs between 12 and 36 months of age, when kids begin to take on individual identities. For parents, it’s a time to teach practices like sharing, and to introduce the concept of fairness as a way to curb what are perceived to be selfish tendencies.
The paradox, experts say, is that to grow into individuals, children need to cultivate a sense of self, in which a certain amount of selfishness is necessary. The trick for parents is to balance this natural drive with a healthy dose of generosity. Luckily, the tools you need to cultivate selfless, giving and generous children are already at your fingertips.
Innate Generosity
The assumption of self-interest is fundamental to how people comprehend everything, from economics to psychology to politics. Most often, it’s understood as the idea that when given the opportunity, people will choose to do what benefits themselves over others. But it’s becoming more apparent that this is only partially true.
New studies have found that children as young as age four prefer fair rather than unequal treatment—even when they would benefit from inequality. Working on a global study, Boston College and psychologists from six different countries wanted to see how children would react when put in unfair situations, such as when one child is given four pieces of candy and another only one piece. The child who received more candy had the option of accepting or rejecting the offer.
To their surprise, the majority of children rejected the proposition of one child getting more candy and opted instead for the fair choice of neither child getting any. The takeaway: Sharing may be hardwired into a child’s expectations of the world. To make it part of a kid’s long-term worldview, however, parents need to actively cultivate it.
Raising Generous Children
To help kids grow into generous adults, it’s critical that they develop a moral identity in a similar way to how they develop a family or personal identity. Doing so isn’t as simple as praising children for generosity. Rather, the goal is to get children to see value in understanding how another person thinks and feels.
So, what’s the best way to explain why giving and helping people in need is important? All kids are different and each will respond differently—but many experts note that storytelling is more effective than relying on reason. Tapping into kids’ emotions is a far more effective way to deliver the message, and lots of children’s stories underscore the importance of charity and philanthropy.
Another factor to consider is that your behavior will have a huge impact on your kids’ development. Put simply, it’s not enough to tell children that giving is important; you need to show them as well.
One straightforward suggestion: When your child gives you a gift—say, a drawing—praise the act of giving as much as the gift itself. Doing so helps children develop a sense of joy around giving for giving’s sake.
More Than One Way to Give
While parents are the primary factor in determining whether children will grow up to be generous and giving, the lessons they teach are far more effective when reinforced outside the home.
Parents can help make this happen by getting involved with community giving through school-led initiatives, nonprofit organizations, local charities or churches. When kids see that giving is valued outside of their home as well as inside, the practice is more likely to stick.
It may help to find a charity that your children find interesting—perhaps one that involves animals, which usually captivate younger kids. Another way to get them involved is to set aside a portion of their allowance to donate to a charity of their choosing. Then visit that charity so that they can see their donations in action.
Giving is a gift that keeps on giving. Studies have shown that generous, empathetic people are generally happier than those who are not. What’s more, they tend to make better leaders and describe themselves as more fulfilled in life. Raising generous children, it seems, isn’t just good for society; it will also improve the quality of their own lives.
Jeremy Dillahunt is a Brooklyn-based writer and editor who has written for such outlets as The New York Times, BBC America, Time Inc. and Lapham’s Quarterly.